10 more ugly truths about US from US

5 ugly truths about Krystal by me....Billie

5.  When Krystal’s had a few cocktails she can play a mean tambourine!(I do it’s yellow and that was the best gift my mother in law ever gave me. I say a ching ching ching goes the tambourine)

4. She got married at the Hitchin Post… seriously who does that? Krystal and her husband!

3. Krystal bribes her kids with snacks so they stay quiet so we can talk on the phone about the blog, or just shoot the breeze.

2. She is probably one of the shittiest best friends anyone can ever have!

1. She will probably never tell her daughter how many times she showed her boobies in the bar on a drunkin’ night. (Nope I will NOT!)

 

5 ugly truths of Billie by meeee…Krystal

5 Billie’s car has never been clean and probably never will be..

4 On bad days Billie just wants an icey, it’s like a cold flavorful burst of happiness in her mouth!

3 In her 20’s Billie was the wildest craziest party girl you’ve ever seen and now in her 30’s she’s the biggest prude you’ve ever seen.

2. When Billie sweats it smells like cheeseburgers.

1. Billie will come across as a Bitch when you first meet her, but once you crack through that hard core you realize how amazing and funny she really is! I say this because that’s actually what I thought when I met her.

Is that poop or chocolate??

The other night before putting the kids to bed my husband is sitting in the recliner reading to our two kids. He nonchalantly says someone smells like poop. My daughter pipes in it's not me, I think it’s Nate. Nate says not me I’m not poopy. Nathan says well something smells like poop. He doesn’t even look in my direction to question me; I’m sitting on the couch just watching this unfold. My daughter is down on the floor trying to smell her brother’s butt; she says I still think its Nate. Who at this point yells, “No Bella I’m not poopy!”

 

It’s time for bed and, no Nate’s not poopy. Nathan puts him to bed first and I go to put Bella to bed. Hmmm something is wet on my foot. I got to lay down next to my daughter to talk to her about the next day and I feel something wet on my other foot. I take a look down to find I have stepped in some dog poo along the way. Ok now I’ve told you before I have a mouth like a sailor I try very hard to keep this from my kids but at this moment I’m vomiting swear words out the mouth. My husband thinks that this is as funny as can be. He steps into my daughter’s room to see what’s going on, OH look there’s dog shit on the bed and Bella’s comforter. Nice I’m in the bathroom scrubbing my feet with profanities echoing off the shower wall.

My husband tosses her bedding in the washer and goes back to Nate’s room I walk in telling him you know this really isn’t funny, you just wait until it happens to you. I turn to walk out of the room and my husband loses it, he’s laughing and I can’t understand what he’s saying. So naturally I start to laugh with him, he stops me and says no you don’t understand you have poop on your pants, you sat in it. I twist to look back and sure enough, my puppy shit on the couch and I sat in it and didn’t even notice. Ok the last straw hand been plucked I was ready to cry, really you’re going to laugh at me like this and not even freaking offer to get me a clean pair of pants while I clean this shit up!

By now my daughter is back up both kids are running amuck. I get my son settled in his room and Nathan is trying to get Bella back in her room and in bed. I can hear them but can’t make out what they’re saying. Ok now both kids are back in bed and settled for the night.

Later my husband comes to me and say’s you’re never going to believe what your daughter said to me. I was like ok what. He say’s I told Bella to get in her room and she looks at me smart as can be and says, “What dad I’m not the one with shit on my foot!” It took him everything not to lose it right there and bust a gut. Nathan’s next famous line rolls out, “Bella bed now!”

Ugh hearing your kids blurt out some random profanity is not the end of the world but it’s also something you don’t want them running around saying at school, to their friends/family, or in a store. We’ve tried very hard to explain that these are adult words and it’s very ugly for little girls to say words like that. But still the fact that she so matter of factly threw it out there and used it correctly does make me a little proud LOL. Shhh don’t tell grandma!

Every day is backwards day in my house.

My little boy is truly a character. He does some of the most random things that have me busting at the seams. Lately he has started wearing his cloths backwards. Now when it started with his pants I could understand he’s still new to the whole going potty and feels like he needs to shed his shorts and undies to do it. He sometimes will let me help and others he won’t so it’s not surprising to see when he comes out that he has his shorts on backwards. I just laugh and leave it at that. That’s a battle that I’m not choosing to fight. Hey dude you want to wear them like that then go right ahead. Chances are that at some point you’re going to end up turning them around on your own or you’re going to get so dirty that I’m going to have to change you anyway. So he started with wearing his shorts backwards then moved on to wearing his underwear backwards as well. Now little boy underwear are just funny in general but throw them on a 3yr old backwards with a chubby little ass eating them like a thong and that’s a recipe for a big ole belly laugh. The shorts I don’t mind but really the underwear have got to be uncomfortable, so this when I do see it, I try and fix. But honestly if I’ve got to fight him to do it then by all means, let your ass eat your underwear. Well, as I’m sure you can imagine my little one has now graduated to wearing his shirts backwards as well. I seen him coming and tried to stop him but he was bound and determined he was going out front with daddy. I tried to change it but the moment he told me no momma I did it, I threw my hands in the air and sent him on his way. Is it really so bad to let your kids wear their cloths backwards? I won’t take mine out of my cul-de-sack like this but if it’s just playing outside what’s the big deal really. I say it’s one less fight I have to have with him and we both win. He got himself dressed and I don’t have to take the credit for it. All I can say is it is what it is, if you're going to wear it rock it!

Exactly What Not To Do

It’s Labor Day and my husband and I are in the garage working on our son’s dresser a project we’ve been at for two days. I’ve got a yard full of kids, my son is on his big wheel, and I’m hunkered down screwing screws in. Out of nowhere I hear a strange girl’s voice. I turn to look and here stands this “foreign exchange college student” and I can’t even tell you what she said to me because I was lost in where are my kids and who the Fuck are you. Before I know it I’m agreeing to give her 3 minutes to explain what she is selling which happens to be an educational program. She’s asking me how important my children’s education is. Um well hello unless you’re really a shit parent it’s pretty damn important. And that’s how she hooked me.

I start off and explain I’m not interested in anything I have to make a decision on right now, it’s a bad time and we’re kind of busy. Right off the bat this girl is way to open and personal yet throwing in I’m sorry if I’m talking a million miles an hour, she keeps using my name as if to gain some kind of trust. (Sorry but I see everything that can’t be proved immediately as a scam and I feel like that’s what was about to happened to me.) I feel like this girl has got her stuff down almost too well. She had all these names of supposed people in our neighborhood and community but, I’m new here and if you’re not my neighbor then I don’t know you. Something just seemed fishy. I politely sit and listen to her speech, I’m one of those people who have a hard time saying NO right off the bat, they always seem to catch me and I cave only to say no in the end, wasting your time and mine. Just as I’m thinking you said 3 minutes and it’s been like 5 she abruptly ends. I tell her thank you but I need to sit down with my husband and discuss all decisions that need to be made. She then asks can she have 3 minutes of my husband’s time, who is trying to finish putting the knobs on the drawers, clean out the old dresser, and smoke some BBQ ribs; I’m not involving him in something I already feel is a scam. I once again tell her thanks but if you need a decision on anything right now I’m going to have to say no. I even asked for a brochure I can sit and talk with my hubs about and she has only one pamphlet that she did give to me but I immediately look for an email address or a web site, I’d like to look it over if it’s real but I get  “I’m sorry but I don’t have anything.” Clearly while I’m looking at a pamphlet that is a little beat up with a customer service email address and a web address. Ok so either it’s a scam or she’s really new to all of this. I again thank her very much for her time but tell her I’m not interested. She closes her book and says ok now can I ask you a question not pertaining, ok sure why not. I’m not a rude person and I always try to be polite it’s something about me that is just me I can’t change it.

She asks to use my bathroom. I have sirens going off in my head; I know this is a bad idea. But am I just being a paranoid mom? What if she’s legit and actually really needs to pee. She walked up to my house with a backpack, a binder, and a water bottle so maybe she did need to go. My husband is home it’s not like I was all alone with my kids when she walked up my driveway. Against everything, I allow her into my house to use the restroom. I do a once over to make sure no one pooped and forgot to flush and to make sure that there is nothing in my bathroom that can easily end up in someone’s pocket. So now I’m thinking ok either she’s trying to snag something out of my bathroom or she’s giving me time to try and convince my husband to sit down with her. I don’t want to walk out of the house and leave her alone but my kids and everyone else’s, where in my front yard.  I’m pacing back and forth from the hallway to the front door. My son is trying to ride his big wheel in the street with no shoes on. I get him to the front door and am trying to squeeze his chubby ass feet into his sandals as fast as I can. They won’t fit, WTF. As loud as I can say I tell him to come inside so we can get his shoes on. I’m listening for any sounds coming from my bathroom. I hear the flush and water turn on but did I just hear my bathroom cabinet close? Ok now I’m tripping. I still can’t get my sons shoes on and this chic has been in my bathroom way too long. I felt like she was in there like minutes after the flush but really she could have been putting her hair back up, I don’t know.

Finally she walks out quick as can be shakes my hand picks up her bag, which she did leave out side, and is on her way. I’ve got like 5 kids surrounding me asking who was that lady what did she want. I snag my hubs from outside and pull him in to keep an eye on the kids and her. I ransack my bathroom looking for anything that is out of place. I can’t see anything out of place or missing. I do the switch a roo with Nathan to see if he can see anything. Nope everything looks exactly the same as it did before.

It’s been two days now and I’m still searching my bathroom to see if something is missing. I don’t know if she was legit and trying to sell me something or if she was trying to scam me. I shouldn’t have let her into my house but with my husband home I didn’t feel threaten.  Normally I do not answer the door for anyone I don’t know or people trying to sell me something.  I know I’m not good with these people and prefer to avoid them at all cost, I made a bad decision and I’m pretty sure even though nothing bad happened I’ve learned my lesson.

So the moral of my story today is

1 Never let a stranger into your house, even if it is a girl, you never know

2 Just say no from the beginning, don’t get suckered 

3 If they don’t know the website for the educational program which is clearly stated on the pamphlet you just handed me then you’re getting scammed

4 Don’t ever buy anything from someone who comes to your door.

5 Don’t ever tell someone you are new to the area, they can bullshit you all over the place!